


Fairly Certain

by SLWalker



Series: Arch to the Sky [8]
Category: due South
Genre: Arch to the Sky, Leaside (1971-1990), Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-26
Updated: 2011-07-26
Packaged: 2017-10-21 18:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/228495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SLWalker/pseuds/SLWalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1988: Renfield figures a few things out about himself.  Deals with sex and sexuality, in the non-graphic sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fairly Certain

There was some measure of both fear and relief, when Renfield realized it.

The fear was more for the _newness_ than it was from the idea of prejudice, initially. The relief was that he was not, apparently, entirely defective in such matters, though that only came later.

He wasn't the most social of young men and therefore he was more invisible than not in school, unless someone needed some help with English papers or artwork. That invisibility was, to him, perfectly acceptable -- Renfield didn't really feel any _need_ for human company; if given the choice, he preferred being solitary or the company of animals.

In fact, he had grown quite fond of the two German Shepherds that he walked after classes for their elderly owner. One of his many odd jobs, something to keep him busy and active and out of the house whenever there wasn't curling or hockey or hiking to take up his time.

He wasn't the most social of young men, and being invisible meant that he also wasn't often a party to the petty joys or cruelties that teenagers could inflict on one another. It was surprisingly easy to be a solitary being in a city and he had mastered the art, for the most part. He did have a handful of people that he enjoyed the company of enough to call them friends, but that was almost always related to sports; he got along all right with others, though they often seemed at least mildly baffled by him, particularly when he tried to joke.

But at sixteen, even involving himself only peripherally with others of his age group, he had slowly come to the realization that he was _different_. Talk of girls and women had gone from something that had been a one-off note while they warmed up for practice to a constant discussion. His friends seemed to have little more on their minds than that, in fact.

And Renfield didn't _get_ it. He didn't feel any kind of thrill at glancing at the rude magazines they occasionally brought in their dufflebags, just embarrassment. He wasn't able to come up the names of any women he wanted to date when asked. His friends mostly just assumed he was shy; a fair assumption, as he _was_ , but he couldn't seem to explain to them that he just wasn't _interested_.

That wasn't to say he didn't have a sex-drive. But it only seemed to extend so far as curiosity and pleasure for the sensations; when he touched himself, he didn't picture anyone else or string out any elaborate fantasies. He could sincerely say that he wasn't attracted to _anyone_.

Until, one day, he was.

He was walking the dogs -- Sally and Kip -- when Sally slipped her collar and bolted. Renfield felt a shot of panic and took off after her, Kip throwing him off-balance as he darted across the road, hoping to catch the dog who was quite a bit faster than he was; he nearly ended up on his face in the road. And then he did end up on his face on the curb, hands hitting the edge of the sidewalk, chin bashing against the grass.

Kip got away, and when he picked his head up, he saw two German Shepherds bolting across the park.

"Hey, want a hand?" the voice asked, in tandem with footsteps jogging up the sidewalk.

"No... no, thank you, I'll get them," Renfield said, picking himself back up shaking his hands briefly where they stung from scrapes, tensing to take off...

...and _he_ had the most incredible pair of eyes.

Not dark brown, but light, almost gold in the bright light of the early autumn day. There was an edge of green around the pupils, and a darker ring at the outside of the irises; framed with dark, dark lashes, long, and when the man smiled, he had the beginnings of laugh lines and it was right about there that Renfield felt his heart pounding in something other than panic.

"I think they're getting away. Let me give you a hand, all right?" The man's smile was... was...

"Okay," Renfield said, and he thought he must sound incredibly stupid. He could feel himself _blushing_ , and that _boggled him_ and what _was_ this? He shook his head, took a few breaths, and ran after the dogs, steadfastly reminding himself that they would likely stop the first time they came across someone with food, and if not that, they would end up in the pond. They loved swimming, and this wasn't the first time one or both had escaped him to go take a swim.

Anything to think about something besides the... the... _heat_ of his face right now, and the flutter down under his breastbone. Anything to think of something besides the sound of the man's footfalls, easily keeping pace with him.

Surely enough, Sally and Kip were in the pond. Renfield stopped at the edge and gave the best apologetic smile he could summon, gesturing to them without actually _looking_ at the man. "They... they like to swim, and their owner is getting on somewhat in years..."

"I'll help corral them whenever they come out," the man said, easily. He had a pleasing voice, as well; baritone and warm, good-natured. "My name's Ryan, by the way. Do you live around here, kiddo?"

In that moment, Renfield wanted to be anything _but_ sixteen, preferably older, perhaps a little taller -- Ryan was slightly taller than he was -- and not 'kiddo.' He straightened himself up, still trying to stuff down the blush, and awkwardly offered his hand out. "Renfield. Yes, I do. Do you?"

"Used to. My parents still do, but my detachment's in Nova Scotia. Ever been?" Ryan asked, shaking his hand.

"N-no. I can't say as I have." It was entirely rare whenever Renfield got out of the East York or Toronto. "Detachment?"

"RCMP. I'm on vacation, though." Ryan grinned, then watched the dogs swimming around the pond.

Renfield turned his attention back to them as well, trying to focus on the conversation, on the dogs, on the fact that he would have to _bathe_ the dogs, on anything but the fact that... that... and this man's _eyes_ , and... "A Mountie?"

"Yeah. Ingonish Beach. We handle Victoria County on Cape Breton."

Renfield nodded, not entirely sure how to reply to that. He kept catching himself stealing little sidelong glances at Ryan, as though his eyes were magnetized. It was beginning to get mildly unnerving. He cast about in his thoughts for some... some sort of _small talk_ , something polite, something that he could keep his attention on aside trying to fathom _what was this?_ long enough not to make a fool of himself. "Do you like it?"

"Oh, I love it." Ryan's laugh was not -- emphatically _not_ \-- making that process easier. "It's a small community, took awhile to get used to after growing up here, but I love it. You get to know everyone, and some of the calls are pretty great. Like trying to pry a lobster or five off of a tourist from... well, from Toronto."

Despite himself, the mental image made Renfield smile. He couldn't entirely fathom moving away from here; what the world must really look like, outside of this area. Let alone a small community, somewhere reasonably remote.

"Oh, here they come..." Ryan reached over and tapped him on the arm, and then pointed. "I'll go around that side, you take the other side."

"Yes, sir," Renfield answered, grateful to go and _move_. He poured on the speed, holding into Sally's leash -- Kip was still dragging his -- and rounded the other side of the pond as the dogs were coming up on the opposite shoreline. They shook, and then jumped, rolling. Of course, the moment they saw Renfield coming, they dropped down to a play-stance, getting ready to bolt and turn this into a long game of chase...

...when Ryan roared, a happy sound of amusement, and tackled Kip.

The dog was only slightly more shocked than Renfield and yipped. Uninjured, but wrapped up in the man's arms, squirming and then doing the dog equivalent at a laugh at this new game. Luckily, Sally was so intent on that, she missed Renfield coming up until he already had her.

Kip had apparently fallen in love; Ryan put him down and got back up, holding the leash firmly, and Kip leaped up, trying to get more play from the man. "Hey, I've already got wet dog smell on me, no need to add paw prints!"

Renfield ran a shaky hand over his hair, then headed over, holding his hand out and feeling... ridiculous. "I can take him."

"Here you go," Ryan answered, handing over the leash, with that grin. "Well, it was nice meeting you, Renfield."

Renfield nodded, and managed to smile back. "Thank you. I mean... it was... that is, for helping with the dogs."

"You're welcome." Ryan gave a little salute and headed back in the direction they had come from. There, then gone. Just like that. As though his mere existence had not just shifted something in Renfield's entire world.

 

 

He tried to figure out if it was an aberration after that. He could not get the man off of his _mind_. He found himself watching to see if Ryan was out, when he walked the dogs, long after Ryan's vacation would have presumably ended. Most damningly, he felt... felt... felt... _embarrassed_ when his thoughts briefly flitted over the... the notion that... of perhaps... perhaps a _kiss_ and then his mind snapped right back to itself and he left that thought right where it was, unwilling to fantasize about a man who didn't even know his last name, let alone of his interest.

Renfield tried to look at other men, then. Women, as well. Tried to _see_ whatever it was that he had seen in that man, starting with those eyes that were so very compelling. But it seemed a fleeting thing, a one-time-only moment, the first time he really _noticed_ another person in such a manner.

Until it happened again, in his seventeenth year. He was taller now, by a few inches, and he was half-convinced it truly had been an aberration. He still felt no desperate need for human contact or urges towards either sex, and so, it came as a shock all over again, and again it was a man, this time only a little older than himself. On the bus, passing through Cabbagetown, a brown-haired man with beautiful green-gray eyes, like the sky before a thunderstorm. He looked very little like Ryan, but the instant heat on Renfield's face was enough to bring back the memory of the first time he had felt it.

He spent a few more weeks after that chewing it over. Researching. Trying to slot himself into some sort of definition. It wasn't a neat one, but it would do for now, and then he was tugging on his thumb, standing in the door of the kitchen while his mother sat at the table eating her breakfast, saying, "Mum, I believe... I'm fairly certain that I'm homosexual."

It was, perhaps, the most silly thing he had ever said in his life, and he almost immediately wanted to turn around, go back to his room, and perhaps hide his face under his pillow.

She looked up, her eyebrows both raising, and then peered at him thoughtfully. He was put in mind of standing in front of class for an oration, right then.

"I... well, I... I've..." He chewed his lip a moment, then managed to continue, "I'm attracted to men."

A little smile crossed her face. "I do know what the definition of 'homosexual' is, Renfield. Are you certain?"

"Fairly."

She nodded, carefully. "Have you met a boy?"

Something inside of him wanted to ask, though gently, if she shouldn't have perhaps noticed if he _had_ in some way. But he didn't. "No, I haven't."

"Well, should you, you know the rules: No dates after eight on school nights and no dates after nine on weekends."

The rules for dating had been precisely relayed to him when he was fourteen, long before he had any particular desire to use them. Renfield nodded himself, tugging his thumb again. "Yes, Mum. I know."

"All right." She looked up at the wall clock. "Do you want a ride to school, today?"

As though he had not just said something that shifted the entire world. "No, Mum, I'll walk."


End file.
